At our workshops parents and mentors ask challenging questions in their desire to lead their households with greater clarity, confidence and fun. When we get out of the way and let the other parents respond to each others' concerns, great answers appear! The sharing of information and inspiration by the audience is what makes our practical workshops a community accomplishment. However, there are occasions where we need to jump in and offer "the RIGHT tips". Here are some questions that contain themes that are the most commonly inquired about.

Q: "I know if I ask my son to go the Weekend he'll put up a fight. How do I get him there?"

A: We often hear parents tell us that they want their sons to attend the Weekend but when they ask their sons if they want to go, the answer is almost always a resounding, “no!” Even when the parents know that our program is going to be deeply beneficial for their sons, they often tell us that they cannot get their sons to enroll. Here is what we found works best:

When you tell a young man about the Weekend, you do not want to have any fear about his probable negative response. Most importantly, you do not want to present the Weekend as a question, implying that he has a choice as to whether or not he goes. It is very rare for a young man to be asked if he wants to go to his initiation and he jumps up from his computer, iPod, cell phone or TV shouting, “Thank you; I thought you’d never ask – yes, I can’t wait to go!”.

The dialogue from the adult should go something like this, “I want you to know about an event that is happening in October. It’s called the Young Men's Ultimate Weekend and if I attended an event like this when I was your age, I would’ve been happier and healthier much earlier on in my life. Please block out October 19-21. I know you'll have a great time”. That's it.

If you end this kind of dialogue with the question that sounds something like this, “is that okay?”” or, “do you want to go?”, the young man will interpret your question as an insecurity, communicating to him that you are not sold on the event. Simply state what you have to say and if the young man has questions, have him call or e-mail YMUW and we will put him in contact with other young men who can speak their language and tell him why he should do it.

We know this is not easy for parents to do, especially if your son gets angry about this. Do not engage in an argument, simply re-state what you said and walk away, without any negative attitude. As the days go by your son will get that you are serious and eventually will accept your resolve. We encourage you to communicate with us if you need any support.

Q: "It seems like every time I speak to my son he tunes me out or overreacts with yelling. How do you suggest I communicate with him better?"

A: The secret to good communication with young men is to let them freely voice without interruption. What you may consider rude communication may be the young man's experience of hormonal and psychological intensity that he can't control in the moment. Ideally, the young man would be more respectful while he is communicating, but we have found that by keeping his energy moving forward by not interrupting establishes respect and trust with him. We focus on the substance, not the style.

When it is your turn to speak, speak with clarity and certainty. Say your words of wisdom by looking him right into his eyes, with a context that says: "These are my values and this is how we behave in my house". Do not say repeat your words of wisdom over and over again. It is disrespectful and the young man feels that you don't really know what you are saying.

When you are done speaking, ask him the following courteous question, "what else do you need?" Keep asking enlightening questions. As he trusts that you support him in his journey, he will respect your insight and your ability to share it.

Q: "What types of young men attend the Weekend?"

A: Unfortunately, there is a misperception in society that initiation programs are for "youth at risk". We often find that parents tell us they don't think their sons need our Weekend because, "everything is fine" or, "my son is not in any real trouble". Our mentors know that all youth, male or female, are "at risk". We assume that their concerns and fears are the same ones that we had when we were their age and that without guidance, they will seek information from the wrong sources.

Young men come from diverse socio-economic, racial and cultural backgrounds to receive their initiation with us. What they have in common are questions and frustrations that have not been addressed by their families or communities. What they also share is a strong desire to learn how to be the best man they can be and how to be heroes in the world.

Q: "Even when I try to be nice and pamper them to do things they need to do, my 2 sons (ages 14 and 16) still tell me that I am clueless about what they need. What am I clueless about?"

A: All of our interactions with the young men are infused with this context: treat them and speak to them like they are five years older. Young men want to say goodbye to the "boy" and do not want to be treated like a child. When parents continue to care for their adolescent sons by the same methods they used when they were boys, the young men feel disrespected. The young men want to respect their parents but they are hardened by their experience that they are not being properly guided through their turbulent hormonal storm.

Simply tell them what you want them to do but do it by asking for their help. Ask for their help as a way too rally their supportive energy for you, and not as a way to hope they are going to do it. Let them know in one or two sentences that your need for them to participate in the responsibilities of the house are based on your key values. If there is a time frame for the task, state what It is without making it a dare or a threat.

Do not ask them if it is okay. Calmly walk away. Keep breathing. If your young men do not do as you ask, briefly let them know there is a consequence, which is a lesson you are going to give them based on your desire for them to learn the values of the house. Promptly enforce your consequence confidently, without anger or discussion.

You don't need to keep inspecting them to see if they are performing their consequence/lesson. Respect the young men by giving them the opportunity to think and do what is right. When they finally comply, just thank them for their help in keeping the home functioning. There's no need for fanfare or to verbally repeat the values or lessons as this will feel like a competition with a winner (you) who is taunting them.

Q: "When I picked my son up from the Weekend he was unusually quiet. Was there a reason he did not want to talk?"

A: Just follow this simple formula and your son will probably be quiet for at least a short period of time: let him run all day, emotionally exhaust himself all-night, wake him up before dawn the next day to pray in a sweat lodge, feed him as much as he can possibly eat afterwards, and then run him some more. He will be quiet for short period of time. That could a good time for you to take good care of yourself or get some rest as well!

Q: "My son has no shortage of ways of breaking the household rules. How do you deal with that?"

A: Do not try to think up clever solutions for every problem that occurs with your son. Doing that would be engaging in an energy competition that you can't win. The young men are engaging in an age-old custom: they're testing you to see if you are worthy of leading the household The adults of the home must consistently behave in ways that reflect their virtues and values. Anytime a young men does not respect these ways, implement the consequences that teach the lessons of your values. Never negotiate with yourself or with others about your values!

The bottom line is: monkey see, monkey do. When you consistently engage your son with beliefs and behaviors that continually reveal your values, he will trust that you have a Way of Being in this world. The path of the parent is to model integrity without regard to the approval of the children. That is best way to get your son to live by the rules. The good news is: it's never too late to get started on your parenting path.

Q: "What follow-up is there for young men and parents after the young men have graduated from a Weekend?"

A: We have a number of additional services that supports everyone in the family to continue implementing the RIGHT Way® method. Additionally, we respectfully collaborate with therapists, school counselors and other health professionals to help our graduates and their families.

Q: "As my son gets older (he is now 17) he tells me less and less of the things he is thinking and doing. I am worried he maybe getting into drugs or hanging out with the wrong kids. Whenever I bring these two subjects up, he shuts down. Any ideas on how to get through?"

A: First and foremost, we recommend you consider using a respectful tactic that we call, "ask don't accuse". Do not imply that your son is doing anything wrong when you speak with him. Ask him the right questions with a context that you know you are going to go on living no matter what he is into. In other words, don't ask your questions with anxiety or intensity.

When you create an environment for the young man to feel safe to tell you what is really going on, keep the energy moving forward by asking your son direct questions about the benefits he thinks he is getting from doing drugs or hanging out with the wrong crowd. At this point we recommend using another tactic that we call, "nurturing not nagging". The last thing your son needs at this point is to be beaten over the head with how wrong he is and how right you are.

You can lead your son back into the values and behaviors of your house by letting him know that his problems are common to all people and that the way people resolve their inner conflicts is to learn how to tap into their own Intelligence (experience and intuition) and use the resources of the family and community. Support your son to be involved in the activities he truly likes to do. When you spend time together talking about and doing the things that are important to him, you will have a better chance of providing a way for him to reveal himself to you.

 

Honor what is R.I.G.H.T.  Respect, Intelligence, Gallantry, Humor, True
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